This year there has been talk amongst family about having a dinner at my grandma’s house. Usually, we all go there to have a holiday dinner, and we kind of sit around and talk, or sort of talk about things. Last year, I was in San Diego with a friend of mine enjoying the small and quaint city. This year, I heard that was volunteered to chip in and help buy groceries for this years dinner at my grandma’s, and truth be told, I am not interested in spending Thanksgiving with my family. When we all get together, I often feel like I am sitting amongst strangers, we rarely talk about intimate things, and if those subjects come up on my behalf specifically I thwart the conversation to something else because I don’t feel that what goes in my personal life is any of their business. Why do I feel so strongly about that? I’ve often asked myself that question while wishing I did not have to go to the family dinner. The truth is, they really are strangers. Just talking to my oldest sister alone I found out many things regarding my parents that were kept secret from myself and my siblings. My parents not only used drugs, but also sold drugs, and my mother was an avid smoker while I was in her womb.
My grandma and uncle are very open about their dislike for people who are white. They absolutely don’t hide it, and having to go to the holiday dinners means having to listen to that hatred continuously. It’s a poison! I’m nearly 29 years old, and as an adult I feel the right to make my own decisions, and I really don’t want to be around that, why should I have to deal with that within my own “family” forcefully?
There’s so much more I want to say but I really can’t formulate the words. I’ve grown to see my family in a clear light. There is a lot of mean-spirited words, and judgment that comes from them, so much shame and doubt. I see why I’ve struggled so much in my adulthood including my own poor decision making skills A lot of the things I learned as a child have had an awful affect on me as an adult making it hard to do things like sorting my emotions, and also formulating healthy relationships. I’m working at it, but depression comes on when I see how the environment that I grew up in really had an impact on my life. That then begs the question, why would I continue to go around that type of environment? Because they are my family? That is not enough for me anymore.