It is kind of difficult to place into words how low I feel. I believe that I’ll never amount to anything while at the same time believe that I deserve something because of the trauma of my childhood.
Sometimes, strange and random memories come into my head, like the time my mother came over to my grandmother’s house looking for a letter she had gotten from a man she was carrying on some type of relationship with in jail. I think that I was about 8 years old. I cannot remember what happened to the letter, but I remember the last place it was, in a basket my grandma used for mail storage. I was the last person to have the letter. Anyway, I swore I had no clue what happened to the letter. My mom was so mad, and frantic about this letter from this man in jail that she called me stupid for losing it. Some members are these booming echoes of pain, like a lingering headache. A pain you know is in the background, but you are not sure when it will come to the forefront and strike, re-injuring you, but you feel it on the horizon. Such pain, and hurt she caused my life growing up, even in my adulthood. It is almost impossible for me to sustain relationships due to fear. I cannot get over my fear of real, and true intimate friendships; man or woman. I honestly hate my mother on some days. Other days I miss her being alive so that I could live my life not talking to her, or having the “luxury” of becoming irate when she calls, if that were to happen. It irritates me knowing that the last conversation we had were her accusations that I had stolen money from her. I resent that to this day.
I see how these feelings of frustration and anger towards my parents are destroying my life in pieces. Sometimes I do not want to get out of bed. I am irritable. I am negative. I am angry, and cynical. I can’t see the good in anything because I know something bad is looming around waiting to strike at any moment. It is hard for me to be a great employee to the point that I feel employers are just “putting up” with me. I hate going to work , and I always find something negative about my co-workers to make me feel like I am better than them because of my own insecurities. I am deeply insecure, afraid, ashamed, and humiliated all that time. I always walk shamefully, even if my head and back are sstraight. I am obsessed with the idea of people not liking me, men using me, and employers putting up with me creating in my self a perception of liability. I am unstable, and unable to control my emotions. I need help. I never had real love and tenderness in my life. I cannot even give someone a fucking hug without feeling like I do not deserve it. It is so embarrassing. I feel embarrassed a lot. Ashamed a lot and heartbroken a lot. Mostly heart broken because I have lived so much of my young life feeling unacceptable.
My grandma raised me. I get tired of saying that because she took on a task that was not her responsibility, and sometimes I felt like she really resented that, although I know she loved me, she also criticized me and I ingested a lot of her “advice” as truth. Exhibit A of why I have a heard time with relationships with anyone. What substantial examples do I have? None. All around me was hysteria and brokenness.
So from this place of fear, insecurity, brokenness, anger, hatred, and shame, where do I begin? How do I begin to have a life from this point going forward? How do I step out into the world and be ME? How do I stop and think about the sabotage of relationships and feel no shame? and how do I let go of what was destined to fail in all forms?
I’m trapped, but I do not wish to stay there…
I realize that the trauma I experienced in my childhood has had a profound affect on my adult life. I have also realized that I have been depressed on and off since I was a child, also I have felt anxiety since a young age as well. Now that I am realizing and coming to terms with my issues, I intend on getting help.