I am so embarrassed to have had feelings for someone who did not want a relationship. I cannot be more ashamed of my actions, my heart, my emotions, and intimacy. I wanted a relationship with him, not because I was desperate or felt like he was the last man on earth, but because I really cared (the positive). We enjoyed each other’s company, and he always made me happy to see him. There was just something that drew me to this man, but unfortunately with the exception of him liking “being around me, the phone calls, and my intellect, and the intelligent conversations” he just did not see me as a “girlfriend”. Typically when I’m involved in these types of situations, though they have not been many, I can get through it pretty well with another focus, and coming to terms with the situation not being in my favor. This situation however has landed me in such a painful state, and I think that’s mostly because neither of us were really willing to leave, and maybe because we actually did (do) care for each other, but not really willing to take the risk to be with one another, or maybe he just didn’t like me that much and found it hard to tell me truthfully how he felt. Is it really that important that I know now? If he valued my friendship so much, and I his, why is it that I cannot bring myself to call him and say “I messed up. I know that you weren’t ready for a relationship, and I pushed the limit dismantling everything”? And if I do say all of that and finally be honest with myself, and therefore be honest with him, will that really change how my heart feels about him? Most likely not. I have the tendency to be a very cynical person as far as relationships are concerned because a man has NEVER told me that he loves me, and meant it. I just have repeated to myself “He didn’t like me. He didn’t want me.” and some how I believe that this repetition will make me see the hurt and pain and use it as a way to rid myself of the feelings I had towards him.This newest disappointment just tells me that I had no reason being in any way involved with men. I simply do not know how, neither do I know what to do. I’ve also considered that maybe being in a relationship just is not in the cards for me. I am unlovable, and men don’t take me seriously. I suppose that I took the “mature” route when I asked him, what he wanted from me, and even if it was not a relationship, and knowing I’d be hurt, I’d at least have the truth, but he just couldn’t decide, and I was too afraid of rejection to give him time to really decide. Why would he forgive me, if he could just move on and find something fresh and new, and move on with HIS life. I must say, it will be very very hard for me to venture into another situation with any man, even if he does want a relationship. I do not think I will be able to do it. I know that I care for him deeply, and I hope that one day my feelings for him will go away, and I can move on with my life. I also hope keeping busy will fulfill my desire, but this certainly is painful.