Stupid Mistakes, I Really Cared About Him

I am so embarrassed to have had feelings for someone who did not want a relationship. I cannot be more ashamed of my actions, my heart, my emotions, and intimacy. I wanted a relationship with him, not because I was desperate or felt like he was the last man on earth, but because I really cared (the positive). We enjoyed each other’s company, and he always made me happy to see him. There was just something that drew me to this man, but unfortunately  with the exception of him liking “being around me, the phone calls, and my intellect, and the intelligent conversations” he just did not see me as a “girlfriend”. Typically when I’m involved in these types of situations, though they have not been many, I can get through it pretty well with another focus, and coming to terms with the situation not being in my favor. This situation however has landed me in such a painful state, and I think that’s mostly because neither of us were really willing to leave, and maybe because we actually did (do) care for each other, but not really willing to take the risk to be with one another, or maybe he just didn’t like me that much and found it hard to tell me truthfully how he felt. Is it really that important that I know now? If he valued my friendship so much, and I his, why is it that I cannot bring myself to call him and say “I messed up. I know that you weren’t ready for a relationship, and I pushed the limit dismantling everything”? And if I do say all of that and finally be honest with myself, and therefore be honest with him, will that really change how my heart feels about him? Most likely not. I have the tendency to be a very cynical person as far as relationships are concerned because a man has NEVER told me that he loves me, and meant it. I just have repeated to myself “He didn’t like me. He didn’t want me.” and some how I believe that this repetition will make me see the hurt and pain and use it as a way to rid myself of the feelings I had towards him.This newest disappointment just tells me that I had no reason being in any way involved with men. I simply do not know how, neither do I know what to do. I’ve also considered that maybe being in a relationship just is not in the cards for me. I am unlovable, and men don’t take me seriously. I suppose that I took the “mature” route when I asked him, what he wanted from me, and even if it was not a relationship, and knowing I’d be hurt, I’d at least have the truth, but he just couldn’t decide, and I was too afraid of rejection to give him time to really decide. Why would he forgive me, if he could just move on and find something fresh and new, and move on with HIS life. I must say, it will be very very hard for me to venture into another situation with any man, even if he does want a relationship. I do not think I will be able to do it. I know that I care for him deeply, and I hope that one day my feelings for him will go away, and I can move on with my life. I also hope keeping busy will fulfill my desire, but this certainly is painful.


5 thoughts on “Stupid Mistakes, I Really Cared About Him

  1. Why would you feel that way about having feelings for someone who was on a different page as you? Think we’ve all felt the way you have (or do) about someone. I dated someone, things fell apart (his fault) and at the end of the day, I asked myself, how could I ever have feelings for someone like that? But I did. I didn’t deny it. Good thing I got over him. Took a while mind you. It wasn’t all bad..too bad he turned out to be an jerk. Lol But that’s some men for you hey.

    But I don’t see the problem for caring or having feelings for someone, nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

    Don’t let a few bad apples spoil your whole opinion and outlook. I’m sure you’re a very nice person and one day, someone will recognise it and you will too 🙂


    1. Rejection is painful. I even said to this person I regreted having feelings for them because I felt so ashamed. We all go through these diffiult situations, but I feel that it is possible a relationship is not in the cards for me, and I should just cultivate my friendships, and enjoy my life.


      1. Yeah I get you. Rejection is painful and some find it hard to bounce back after it. Maybe a relationship with the man in question isn’t possible but that shouldn’t stop you from tying again in the future. But in the mean time, no harm in going out there and having fun. Takes the stress and pressure off, and what better way than to do it with good friends 🙂


      2. Like I said..I’ve been there..been rejected, hurt, betrayed by someone I honestly cared alot about. I have nothing to do with him any more, I moved on to better things. No use cryin over spilt milk when the other person doesn’t give a hoot about you.

        Live your live and be happy, for you.


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