One Step Forward, Three Steps Backwards

Today woke up to a text message from my older brother. I asked him to pay a bill of mine that I couldn’t afford this month, and last night he said yes, and this morning he told me he was not able to do it. I got really angry, and criticized him in my mind screaming,”He never comes through!!!” It took me three hours to answer back with “Okay. Don’t worry about it.” I then started to think long and hard about a recent emplosion of a situation that I thought would turn into a relationship. I had feelings for him, but he said he did not see me as a girlfriend. For the last 3 weeks I have been obsessed with understanding what happened, so that I will never make that mistake of being with a person like him again, or that is what I thought would occur. I have been with guys whom I would put money on did not care for me. With, B (I’ll call him), I knew and did not know. I was so used to men being selfish and uncaring, like my dad, like my uncles, all I knew was rejection. I know I cannot force a man to love me, but I became drawn to B over time, with apprehension, but still drawn. B has gone though infidelity in all but a couple of his relationships, so maybe that was a red flag, but if a man ran the other direction because of my mishaps, that would hurt me, so I refrain from judging B’s past.

The feelings I have for B are now being sorted out as I feel every single emotion for being rejected. B had an on going relationship with a woman who did not see him as a boyfriend, and I will always believe B took that pain (she told him after the relationship was over and she had a boyfriend) and it resonated with him deeply l, and I immediately took on the form of the cheater, manipulator, lair,etc. I remember him asking me why would she tell him that, and my thoughts were she felt guilty about doing that, and felt if she had a solid start to her new relationship by being honest with B, then good things would await her new relationship.

After mystery girl told B of her infidelity, he immediately pulled away from me emotionally. It felt like a strong cold air blowing through eveything I began feeling for B. I was scared, but I did not really know how to tell B what I felt so I became really angry and critical of B. I crticized him the most in my mind. I felt resentful of B’s emotional distance, so I fought it, instead of walking away from him in love and support. Truth be told, I cared for him, but I did not know what to do about his pain. I stuck around with B for a year, feeling that emotional distance settle inside of B. I didnt look for a relationship elsewhere, I waited for B to let the situation go, but I feel a common theme among men is that situations that are negative stick with them for a long time. B complained about the women that hurt him with obvious pain, but I also feel B accepted the most negative aspects of women without realizing it and my inability to understand because I do not understand men sometimes.

B and I saw each other and talked all the time, but when I wanted something more, B would hide from me. Confused and angry, once I showed up to his door unnanounced. He was furious at me, and refused to talk to him, but I insisted we talk. After we spoke he said he felt better about things. I wanted so much for him to understand my needs, but B was so wrapped up in his own need for isolation from confrontation and emotional turmoil, that I finally understood the stupidity in my decisons to show up looking like the “psycho ex” stereotype. B forgave me for every single screw up and overreaction I made, but he kept a safe distance from wanting a relationship. Sex only confused me because B was not the late night booty call, or ignore you during the week kind of man. He engaged me, and that engage never felt manipulative or misleading. Or maybe I am that stupid. When things seemed to crumble I encouraged B if he did not want me go out and see other women, which to me is very simplistic decision for a man to make, but B could never really come to a conclusion, only mention in recycle the hurt he’d experience in relationships.

I told B a month ago I regreted having feelings for him. I had previously gotten a job at a Thai restaurant, and after 3 days of training, I was fired via e-mail. It hurt me so bad, I know I had taken it out on B, but why? I felt rejected by the most important concept in my life, Security. B cared for me and supported me, but his capacity was limited to me, and I felt rejected. The job did not accept me, and made me feel uncomfortable because I am black, and I felt rejected. B never criticized me for who I was, but I deeply criticized him. I wish I could do a lot of things differently with B. I wish I would have given him more space, time, and unconditional love. I wish I had less insecurity in myself that I sabotauge friendships that are important to me. I wish B trusted me enough to share how he felt about me, without feeling too vulnerable, and I wish that we had spent less time talking around each other about our bad relationships, and more time cultivating our own.

Typically after a month or so, I feel better about a failed relationship, relieved even, but this has been HARD, maybe because I had been frustrated for so long, or maybe I feel guilty at how I treated B sometimes (I was mean). Maybe B is relieved? I don’t know how he feels. Both B and I deserve so much more than what we offered. B means a lot to me, but B has taught me the depths to which my personal problems go.  Having had parents who abused drugs, and a mother who hated me,to being emotionally abused by family members, I have a lot of emotional turmoil, and with B it was exposed, and I feel humiliated for my instability, and efforts to maintain something with B knowing I had problems. I raged at B and told him I was unhappy with my life, and out of all the things he could have said, he said “I am rooting for you, and hope you find happiness sooner than later.” I wanted him to be angry at me for attacking him, and while he probably was, he did not reveal his cards. The last letter I decided to sent to B, was of the understand of why things did not work out, I told him I was seeking the answers for my shortcomings, yet asked him not to reply my words, and that I was not ready for a conversation at the moment,  but I wanted to share how I feel. I saw a little honesty in that and selfisness because B is the kind of person you can tell your dark secrets to. I wanted to tell B my shortcommings but in a way that was distanced from actually adressing them with him. I just do not feel ready to face B. I will, but not now. I want to be able to talk without fussing and criticism. Iwamt his friendship,  but I am unhealthy, so I cannot. I shared my heart after being so angry I guess because I love B, and wanted him to know that although I am deeply flawed, I am trying…for myself, and to be a better person overall.


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