How many ways can I talk about being depressed, and what new symptoms have I developed?

I have been spending a pretty significant amount of time at my apartment. I haven’t really had much energy to get out the house unless it was important to get to a destination for an appointment, or I needed food or something to drink. Also someone told me that it is good to get out on the sun because that will help me feel better. When I do that I feel okay but the world is starting to look different to me, well my surroundings anyway. I see a lot of darkness. I really do not want to be around people for a very long time, and I do not want to engage in conversations with people that  I really do not know, actually that has grown increasingly difficult over the last month. I am unkept and I really need to wash my hair and make sure my teeth are clean when I go out in public, but I just feel like I don’t care. Also when I feel alone and overly stress I have began to talk to myself, but it’s mostly negative talk, or just talk of striving. I don’t really want to say things to myself, but I feel isolated and alone. I think about killing myself, but I don’t see what good they’ll do considering I have no clue what will happen after I die, if anything. I feel a mess. I cannot contact anyone over the phone because I have no money to pay the bill since I am out of a job. It is probably my worst situation emotionally. I don’t know why the last Job fired me, for anyone who follows my blog, I mentioned that situation in the early posting. I don’t know guys. I am so unhappy more than I have ever been in my adult like and the only thing that really compares with this feeling is my trauma in my child hood. I know it is affecting me. I have made arrangements to see an intake specialist and I did that already. Now since my phone has been off, they cannot contact me to make therapy arrangements, and I do not have the money to go there to talk with them in person. I want to live. I also want to die.


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